Thursday, December 31, 2009


It was a year of laughter and tears, hugs and backstabs, love and lying.

Abigails birth April 9
San Francisco birthday Jan 21
Bush leaving office Jan 20
Parents 3rd anniversary Feb 3
Starting sophomore year Aug
Starting blog Nov
Alex talking Nov
Wisdom teeth surgery Jan
Dads tattoo Feb
Bones obssession June
New Moon with Mom and Val Nov 20

and having what I have, every single day.

Monday, December 28, 2009

So this is Christmas,

"And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun.

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun,
The near and the dear ones,
The old and the young."

                    -John Lennon

Yes, I realize I'm late in wishing you a happy Christmas but hey, better late then never, right?

It didn't feel like Christmas this year. Maybe it was that Bethany wasn't here. Maybe it was that I didn't see Valerie. Maybe it was that I didn't get Bones. Or maybe it was that it was just not cold. Whatever the reason, it didn't feel like the season.

But I still loved it:)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The face that launched a thousand ships,

I'm glad to have friendship and family and I shouldn't pause my life for love. 

I trust in fate.

But I know that even though I am loved and love, and my heart is full, there's always room for more.

In My Dreams,

I'm waking up to you.

Monday, December 14, 2009

If it hurts this much, then it must be love.

Though now he's gone, flown away for the winter.
Maybe when the ice melts, maybe.
Always just a possibility, always just a dream.

Back in Black,

Writings my staple,
my one hold on the last bit of sanity I have.
Having it gone for so long, 
I've lost it near completely.

My fingers hit the keys harder, unused to the feeling.
My brain works slower at finding just the right words.
My heart longs for it to be all right again. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


no computer for a week so it may be a while til i have blogs up, but I'll try my bessssst.

Monday, November 30, 2009


When I'm feeling like this, I can't speak. I'm so afraid of what will come out of my mouth. I shut off my brain and watch people, hear people. Just look at life from an innocent bystander, not forming opinions, just relieved to see that not everyone is miserable.

It gives me hope, this way of coping: hope for a better tomorrow. I know it's cliche but I can't control my thoughts, and I don't hold back here.

At school, I'm usually pretty happy. But inside I'm regretful as to how I come off, how I explain my thoughts. I don't enjoy being seen for what I am not. I'm not ditsy, yet I laugh as if I am. I have high expectations of myself, but to others, I'm just another girl that doesn't care.  

I just want to leave, get out of this place. Get out of this time. Peter Pan had the right idea, just the wrong age. After high school is prime time for me. But what if I'm wrong? Then all life has been is a waiting game with no end in sight. I'm waiting for freedom, I'm waiting for culture, I'm waiting for love.

And still I continue to hope. Wish that fate's tapestry for me has no loose threads. One wrong pull, and my life could fall apart.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Vulnerable Race

We spend our time lifting weights, gaining muscle, when in reality, we're weak.
A bench press has nothing on the fall of death.

We spend our time calculating, speculating, when in reality, we're archaic.
A book has nothing on the weight of the world.

We spend our time hating, judging, when in reality, there's possibility.
An atom bomb has nothing on the power of love.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Cloud Bursts

The rain was streaming down the windows, hail pounding on the roof, lightning crashing down around me. I was listening to Possibility by Lykke Li, in my moment that had seemed all but real. As I sat in the backseat, I watched the street around me. There's a possibility, boom. Tell me when you hear my heart stop, wind pushes the car. I felt as if the whole world had stopped, reality had paused, just for this moment and life had truly been nirvana as I had known it. I saw the tree's limbs reaching for me, begging me to come outside and play. I opened the car door and stepped out onto my driveway. The music still playing, just a background noise adding to the beauty of the storm. As the voice hummed, I swayed with the wind, letting all go. I will never forget the storm that made me stop and hold life in my arms for just a few minutes. By blood and by me, and I'll follow when you leave -- by blood and by me, I'll follow your lead.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day,

La Famiglia: Carlotta.Dad.Abi.Gramma.Jeanne.Bethany.Rhianna.Autumn.Colter.
Sierra.Grandpa.Grandma.Uncle Cleve.Uncle Charles.Aunt RoseMarie.     

La Amici: Valerie.Danielle.Cami.Sammy.Addison.Noah.

Thanks for being part of my life:)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Every Second a Question Mark,

When their lives vanished,
the clock did not pause.
The unbearable truth of the tick-tock:
the hands on a clock are there
simply to remind you that
time isn't the only thing
the second hand can sweep away.

One Day at a Time.

The future makes me feel naive.
This world has so much to learn, and yet we've learned so much.

Read My Lips.

Books are read because they are snippets of a life other than your own. If the whole story were to be told, they would become unenviable and unread.

For tonight is just a mere formality formed by the beauty of a fortunate accident.

12/24/08 2:50 PM

Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places.

The day was night and night was day. Don't ask why or what as we will get to those trivial details later on. As for now, the only thing that should be of any metter, is the who. I may not be of importance to you, but as this will be my journey, I might suggest understanding where I come from.

A Road Leading Everywhere.

Nevermind the time. Nevermind the scenery, or the reason. For just a moment, take yourself out of this writing and picture yourself in a dark, tight car speeding down the dirt road. Not chasing, but escaping. And despite the aching hunger and mental exhaustion tugging it's way forward in the back of your mind, you feel perfect and utter content. You are hand in hand with the person you know you will be spending your life with. And you are happy; you have reached nirvana.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Abandonment Issues

It makes sense, I push people away to see how long they'll stay.
I build walls to see who's willing to climb over them.

But is it all just an excuse for unexcusable behavior?

Beautiful Lies and Lyrical Truths.

We fell into this quickly.
But it wasn't really love,
merely what we knew of it.
Now take my pain in your guitar case
And do the world a favor please:
smash them both to smithereens.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The blood red of my kimono swam into the wind, begging to play with the leaves. Turning the page of the tattered book on my lap, I heard the creak of floorboards. I was up and walking to the door by the time she knocked.

"Lainie." It was a whisper that had made it's way up my throat.
She turned, stepped inside, "Hello, Beatrice." She ran over the room with her eyes, shook her head in disapproval.

I watched this girl, dancing through her haven. Twirling lilies and oleanders through her fingers to the tune of her shameless humming. Her auburn hair freely floating with the summer breeze, she turned to me smiling, holding out her hand. I grasped it and followed this woman I loved into the unkown.

The concert makes you want more.

The ground shakes
and you can't stand the wait.
Your heart is racing,
feet are pacing.
The explosion of sound,
feet barely on the ground.
The beat of the drums,
as the guitar player strums.
And your off to this whole new world.
Arms and legs are hurled,
and you become lost.
But what's the cost?
The potent smell of beer and pot,
and the room's growing hot.
Hands flailing,
voice onstage wailing.
Your all alone,
bordering the unkown. 
Lacking concern for vanity,
just trying to hang on to your sanity.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You jump so fast,

leap head first into the unkown.
You tumble swiftly through the air, fingers intertwined.
Then his hand slips, and you

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I often question my sanity,

but then I remember I'm a teenage girl.

Monday, November 16, 2009

This is how, you remind me.

"We become so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that, in the end, we are disguised to ourselves."

I've changed and I can feel it. Before I was open to second chances and forgiving, now I put on a mask. Pretend everythings okay so I don't lose them. Lose who I am with them, or just straight out lose myself.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Protector of the Heart

I take the burden off your mind,
bear it in my soul
and never once
have you asked about me.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

When you spin me around,

I'm dizzy for days.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Live It Up.

I want to write, always.
I want to live everywhere.
I want to meet Nicole Kidman.
I want to love and be loved. 
I want to be fluent in Sign.
I want to cry on Hollywood Blvd.
I want to critique a French 4-star restaurant.
I want to be a Criminal Profiler for the FBI.
I want to take take salsa lessons in Spain.
I want to be in the audience of Jerry Springer.
I want to break the stereotypes.
I want to get my tongue pierced and several tattoos.
I want to lead a media covered protest.
I want to visit Paris in the winter.
I want to be in an episode of Bones.
I want to have a passport without an inch of open space.
I want to go to Sundance.
I want to bellydance.
I want to Au Pair in Brazil.
I want to be accepted to Columbia.
I want to learn to count cards.
I want to make a London guard smile.
I want to lay in the Sistine Chapel.

I want to be thought of as infinite.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Into the Unknown

You'll never forget the feeling of youth,
You'll never forget the feeling of warmth,
You'll never forget the feeling of happiness.

If only because they are all so fleeting?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Hate is an anchor.
Tying you down;
relentlessly holding you back.
But if you are strong enough,
you break through the surface,
Out into the world.
Out into love.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Nothing too fast, nothing too slow.
Just be careful, we're on a one way road:
Swerve and it might end us both.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sleeping Beauty

Wake up
and tell me that it's true:
More than a dream, this me and you.

If it be a fantasy,
sleep a while longer; let me believe.
I dare not rest with my heart bare on my sleeve.

I'm nervous.
My heart swelling with every beat,
Remembering love in the backseat.