Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The World Spins Madly On

Why am I expected to care about your feelings when you all so openly disregard mine? I put so much into an unbalanced relationship, but the second I stop forgiving their unspoken apologies, shit hits the fan. I’m the one who was left behind. I’m the one who spent New Year’s crying while you all got wasted. But I’m the one who needs to apologize? I don’t understand it. I don’t understand what I did to deserve any of this. I feel like this is karma for mistakes unrelated, but the least fate could do is give me a superficial reason for all the sudden contempt. I have my heart telling me to just go back to them, find some random reason to apologize and hope it’s the one they’re looking for. My mind is telling me that I could do better, that I deserve better. And from the outside looking in, it would be obvious I should move on. But I’ve invested so much of my time into the friendships, where would I go from here? With only a semester left of high school, it seems I might as well deal with it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my senior year alone. But I don’t know how much longer I can take being trampled on. I don’t know how much longer I can take constantly supporting my friends and never having the conversation about me. I’ve always been depressed to some extent, but these last few months have been the worst. You would think my friends would notice if I’m this unhappy. It’s been brought to attention once, and the subject was quickly changed to their problems. I have to admit that I’m not the easiest one to turn the direction of the conversation toward, but aren’t friends there to make you talk? Maybe it’s because I am such a giving friend that I expect the same from others. I’m not saying this to brag, we all have our faults, but being a friend is not one of mine. So I think for once I’m going to ride it out, wait for an apology. If they come back, they come back, but I refuse to crawl back to them again.